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Duck Lauds Solidarity Among Animal Mayors

“I am delighted to have received a personal message of support from His Honour, Mayor Duke the Dog of Cormorant, Minnesota,” Ottawa Mayoralty Candidate Darrell Duck told supporters and media representatives in a statement this morning.

Mayor Duke The Dog
Mayor Duke the Dog interviewed post victory on August 14, 2014,
by WDAY News, outside his home in Cormorant, MN.

“Mr. Dog and I represent a new breed in municipal politics – candidates who are uniquely able to understand and properly represent all the constituents of our great cities,” Duck asserted, underlining his record as an advocate for minorities.

“As unofficial Councilor for Dow’s Lake, I have made it my duty to speak up for all the oppressed little (non-)people whose voices would otherwise not be heard at City Hall,” Duck declares. “Sure, I’ll stand up for humans and other minorities, too. But they won’t see any undue favouritism from me!”

Candidate Duck lauds the forward-thinking broadmindedness of Cormorant, MN, voters in electing his comrade, Mr. Dog.

“In the intrepid spirit of the popular tidal wave that elected former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura Governor of Minnesota in 1998, voters in Cormorant have demonstrated unparalleled wisdom and courage – not to mention a terrific sense of humour – in supporting Mr. Dog two-to-one over his nearest and only opponent,” Duck exulted in an impromptu address at his Dow’s Lake Campaign Headquarters, adding that he hopes Ottawa electors will follow in the footsteps of their American cousins on October 27!


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Duck Byte: Garbage Pick-Up Policy a Load of Trash!

Q: There has been a load of controversy over the decision by the current Council to dramatically change the way household waste is collected from Ottawa residences. What is your position in the Great Garbage Debate?

Garbage TruckI’ll put a new face on Ottawa Garbage Policy
if voters elect me Mayor on October 27!

A: Well, that’s a trick question! I mean, there are so many separate parts to that question…

For instance, what do I think about the contract with that composting operation that is apparently not composting? Or, at least, not composting enough to fulfill the contract? I long for the Good Old Days, when you could just give The Boot to a contractor who wasn’t performing – and sue him for your costs and loses, as well. Now, it appears, the current Council feels it has to give these guys third, fourth and fifth ‘second chances’ to make good. At our expense. And all the good feelings we’re supposed to get from using our Green Bins religiously go down the drain. How do you even put a price on that?

Then, there’s the whole question of bi-weekly garbage collection.

What about those of us who have Special Needs? There may be accommodation in place for those needing to get rid of disposable incontinence paper goods. But what about cat owners who have mountains of soiled litter to dispose of? What about folks like me, burdened with bags and bags of Canada Goose poop that we have to rake up off our waterfront lawns every week?

The closely-related problem of Garbage Odour three seasons of the year deserves consideration all on its own. It speaks – or, rather, reeks – for itself!

And the Fly Problem. No matter what you do with your kitchen garbage (hold it for composting pick-up or just bag it), two weeks between pickups just gives the damned flies the chance to hatch, harass us, then lay their eggs and hatch a new batch!

Now… Let’s take a moment to look at the recycling of paper, plastics, metals and glass. It’s all well and good that Ottawans rank among the best, most conscientious users of their trusty old Blue and Black Boxes. But we heard, not long ago, that much of what we put in the Boxes goes straight to the landfill anyway, because the recycling contractor can’t – or won’t – handle the bounty.

It goes on and on.

Simply put, Ottawa’s Garbage Disposal Policy is a load of trash. Elect me, and I’ll put things back the way they were, before the Politically Correct Crowd got their hands on power at City Hall and decided it was more important to be SEEN to be doing the right thing than to actually DO IT!


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Duck Byte: Wetlands and Farmlands Conservation

Q: What will be your primary focus as Mayor?

A: The environment has always been close to my heart, not to mention my bare feet. I first started attending City Council and Committee meetings as a concerned community activist nearly thirty years ago, and I’ve been a constant champion of wetlands  and farmlands conservation ever since!

LoosestrifeOttawa’s wetlands and riverbanks deserve the best!

The Greenspace Alliance of Canada’s Capital has come out in criticism of the incumbent during this mayoralty campaign. I’ll repeal any measure put forward by the current Council to weaken conservation measures in the region and I’ll strengthen the Environmental Sustainability Committee. Heck, I’ll Chair it myself if necessary. And I’ll roll into it the sadly-ignored Forrest and Greenspace and Environmental Advisory Committees, raising this formidable new body to the status of an official policy generator with direct input to the City’s Environment and Rural and Agricultural Affairs Committees.

How could any responsible, forward-looking mayor of our City do any less?

Ottawa was built on water – literally and in the sense that its early development was focused on the Rideau Canal and, then, the lumber industry? Clean, fresh water is fundamental to the health of any community and Ottawa has a special place among World capitals in its responsibility to not only protect but promote its famous waterways and wetlands.

Frankly, I’m shocked that no one has yet proposed filling in all the old sand and gravel pits in the east and west ends with new residential development, rather than paving over wetlands and vast tracts of our dwindling arable lands.

Am I the only true visionary in this Mayoralty race?


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Campaign Report: First Week on the Hustings!

Darrel Duck has completed his first official week on the Municipal Election Campaign trail and, after talking with Ottawa Voters from many parts of town, he has discovered some interesting facts…

  • Most Ottawa voters can’t name the main contenders in this fall’s mayoralty race, except for the incumbent, who has reportedly met every single resident of the city at one time or another while making appearances at some sort of ‘opening’ or another.
  • Most Ottawa voters can’t name the Ward they live in. “All I know is, when the names on the lawn signs change, we’re not in Kitchissippi anymore, Toto!” one head-scratching citizen commented.
  • Most Ottawa voters can’t name their Councillor or any of the candidates running against him/her. “Who is our Councillor out here, anyway?” is fast becoming the most-asked question by voters upon whose doorsteps Duck has landed recently. The most-asked is, “Why on earth did you decide to run for Mayor?”
  • Most Ottawa voters can’t tell you whether it’s paper week or glass-and-metal week for garbage pick-up on their block.
  • Most Ottawa voters don’t really care.

Duck is shocked and appalled at this lack of civic pride and awareness. He told supporters yesterday, at a weekly wrap-up campaign debriefing, that his mission has expanded form simply seeking to lead to one of educating the public about their town, and, for instance, explaining why they pay more for bus rides than anybody else in North America, and why we had to pay for the Strandherd Bridge three times!


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Duck’s ‘Credibility’ Questioned!

Duck DebonaireCritics have, of late, raised their voices questioning the fitness of Darrel Duck to properly fulfill the responsibilities of the office of Mayor. Not surprisingly, supporters are rallying righteously to his side!

True, Duck is in his 94th year – but he remains as ageless as only an animated legend can.

Duck is, in fact, uniquely suited among the Mayoral candidates in that he can sit through interminable Council and Committee meetings without appearing to tire. Scientific studies have proven that ducks can sleep with one side of their brain at a time while the other side remains awake and alert.

As for Duck’s physical condition, who among the other candidates can make two full circuits of the Council Chamber, shouting “Woo Woo! Woo Woo!”, bouncing off of desktops, walls, ceilings and bystanders, not once touching the floor?

And how many of the other candidates can say they’ve repeatedly been blown up by six sticks of dynamite only to reappear moments later, apparently unscathed, wearing the same suit?

Critics also complain that Duck has, throughout his life, exhibited a short temper and a tendency to explode violently at the slightest provocation.

“That’s all in the past,” Duck declares. “I’ve mellowed. My close associates will confirm that I rarely employ expletives any stronger than ‘Sufferin’ Succotash!’, now – and only when I am in a drunken stupor.”


“He’s Not Crazy – He’s Daffy!”


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Duck Byte: Light Rail Transit

Q: What is your take on the Light Rail Transit plan?

A: Bad idea. If one train breaks down, they have to send many buses to ferry people around the track blockage. This is time-consuming, expensive and disruptive to passengers’ schedules and road traffic. Why not just use buses alone in the first place?

Ottawa doesn’t need light rail. Really big cities like Toronto need it to avoid gridlock on their roads. And who in Toronto would stand for a four-hour commute by car at the best of times both to and from the city from fast-growing GTA bedroom communities such as Kitchener, London and Kingston? By dramatic contrast, the usual twenty-minute run across Ottawa, from the Canadian Tire Centre to The Split, may grow to an hour during the morning or afternoon rush. But that’s just peanuts compared to a really big city. Ottawa motorists are spoiled!

Lets face it: The Light Rail Transit program is merely a fantastic expression of the deeply felt need by some Council Members – current and former – to leave a legacy. A legacy of extravagance, I say!

But if we must have Rail, let’s be fiscally responsible and collaborative in our policy! I’ll spearhead a collaboration with the Museum of Science and Tech to get those old locomotives of theirs out of mothballs, scrape the mold off them and put them into service immediately on existing tracks. And there’s a nice heritage angle to using the old lungers! In answer to one constituent’s question about fuel storage: We’ll pile the massive amounts of coal required to run these behemoths on Lebreton Flats. We’re not using it for  anything at the moment and, the way things are going, we won’t be developing it for several decades.

A creative alternative

We must think creatively when it comes to the future of transit in the Capital… Thousands of people glide effortlessly to work downtown along the Rideau Canal Skateway during the winter. In summer, a select, robust few walk, jog or cycle to work along Ottawa’s world-famous network of multi-use pathways. It’s healthy, non-polluting and low-cost, and makes the City appear to be acting responsibly even as it continues to deepen its gaudy grope into the private affairs of its citizens.

Tour Boat comp finalWhy not provide commuter boat service in summer, like they used to have in Venice, Italy, when people actually lived there, before it became a theme park for tourists? The NCC and the Rideau Valley Conservation Authority have made it nearly impossible for tour boat operators to run on the canal, what with the escalating fees and labyrinthine regulations. We could give this flagging local industry new life by according every idle boat ‘water bus’ status and putting people back to work!

Kiss-and-Floats could be built relatively inexpensively at key points along the canal and rivers by paving over under-used parks, incorporating bus loops to interconnect with the existing suburban transit infrastructure – and there you go!

What of the legacies of all those pro-light rail politicians? Name a boat after ‘em!


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