Duck For Mayor Ottawa 2014!

In spite of a solemn promise not to disrupt the proceedings with any out-of-control, zany behaviour, candidate Darrel ‘Daffy’ Duck has been dropped from any remaining Ottawa Mayoralty Campaign debates.

“I went out of my way to be fair,” Duck insists. “I promised to keep my cool and show up clean and sober. All I wanted was the same chance as any other candidate to have my views heard and to confront my opponents on their obvious shortcomings.”

A letter received this morning from the events’ organizers indicated that, in their sole opinion, he does not qualify for a place at the podium because he is not considered a ‘serious’ candidate. The letter also calls into question Duck’s ability to meet even the most basic of qualifications for participation, charging specifically that he is not bilingual.

“I speak several languages fluently,” Duck counters. “Though my mother tongue is Duck, I converse like a native in English, Spanish, Californian and Goose. In addition, I have a working knowledge of Crow, Blue Jay, Cardinal and Robin, as well as Squirrel, Raccoon, White-tailed Deer and Coyote – all of which any serious politician needs to function effectively within our infinitely diverse community.”

Event organizers responded to Duck’s detailed, reasoned reply with a curt, unelaborated, “See? We told you so!”

Duck may not be able to take part in these important campaign debates, but he promises to campaign even harder in response to what he characterizes as bald speciesist discrimination.

VOTE DUCK!

“Calm and collected on the surface;
Paddling like Hell underneath
– for YOU!”

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Personal Greetings from Darrell Duck…

As we count down the days until the 2014 Ontario Municipal Elections, it is fitting to pause in our exertions to reflect upon all that has gone before and that which is yet to come.

When you and your family gather ’round your holiday feast table,
take a moment to remember those who are less fortunate
than you – like Turkeys. They are constituents, too!
Enjoy a Tofurky Roast this year!

This weekend, we, along with all Canadians, are called upon according to generations of tradition to give thanks for all of the bounties and benefits that we enjoy as citizens of a Great Nation.

• We enjoy universal health care with wait times in Emergency of mere hours, rather than days or weeks.
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• We live under a system of Justice whose principles are rooted in the Magna Carta and whose impartiality is limited only by our individual ability to pay for lawyers.
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• Our dining tables groan beneath the agricultural bounty of every nation, no matter what it costs to transport even a single mango to our doorstep.
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• The most advanced technology in the world is at our fingertips, and we have been blessed with so much consumer credit that we can do far more than just dream about getting our hands on it.

Let us all give thanks, then, for everything we have and everything we feel entitled to acquire in the coming year, secure in the knowledge that our immense, unprecedented debt – both as individuals and as a nation – will live on long after us to tell our tale.

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Ottawa Mayoralty Candidate Darrell Duck finishes his second week on the campaign trail today and, already, some major trends, both in voter temperament and candidate candour, are coming to light.

Some of Duck’s Non-Human constituents will be disappointed
to see the Green Bins go. But most are all for trashing
the catastrophic composting program.

Duck comments:

I was suspicious to hear, this week, that a so-called Property Owners Ticket has formed up behind several of the major Campaign issues. I’m with them on canning the Green Boxes and increasing garbage pick-ups during the summer. But on other issues, I’m not so sure.

Property owners usually support development over conservation. Not only that, but they usually put their interests before those of other species with which they co-habit. That’s one reason that the majority of my constituents are cautious about any attempt to organize hard-core Property Owners.

Representatives of the Small Citizens’ Advisory Tribunal (SCAT) and the Feathered Ottawans’ Welfare Lobby (FOWL) have approached me with strong concerns about the pressures that a powerful Property Owners bloc at City Hall could place on their homes and living environments. I agree wholeheartedly.

But I also recognize that these and other groups have a history of adversarial relationships with the Human population, in general. The Squirrels and Chipmunks, for instance, have steadfastly refused to negotiate an agreement over Vegetable Gardens which would benefit both sides. My avian constituents, likewise, are adamant in their stand that they have just as much right to Raspberries, Currents, Grapes and other high-hanging fruit as the Humans. The Humans, predictably, disagree just as adamantly.

I’ve tried to bring the Humans and Non-Humans of our City together for years. And I promise I’ll continue my attempts at mediation with even greater ardour when elected. I just can’t see how an organized Property Owners bloc can help advance this vital cause.

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